By Mariah Mulderink
So, I am a bit Type A. And honestly, that’s just my nice way of saying I am a bit of a control freak. I like to think I have gotten a lot better...I no longer schedule my bedtime on my Google Calendar.
As someone who likes to be in control, I have struggled with a number of situations and decisions in my life. However, one that stands out is my struggle with discerning my vocation.
It wasn’t a struggle to accept the vocation God was calling me to. No, I struggled with even allowing God to speak to me about my vocation. I did not want to enter the religious life and I was so worried that the second I opened myself up to God’s call, He would ask me to be a nun. This was not the plan I had for my life.
It is probably no surprise that this caused a lot of turmoil in my heart. I could feel that the depth of my relationship with Christ was being limited by my resistance to listen to the Lord. It was as though I could not even let Him speak for fear of what He would ask me.
Slowly, I began to realize that my resistance to hearing God’s will for my life was really a lack of trust in Him and His love for me. I did not trust that His will would be the best thing for my life. I was worried that His will would take away and not add.
So, I went to the Lord and I begged Him for trust. I beseeched Him to give me the graces I needed to be courageous, to have peace, and ultimately trust in Him. Slowly, God granted me these graces. He also gave me something I did not realize I needed: indifference.
He gave me indifference to His will. It was not indifference in that I no longer cared. He gave me indifference that allowed me to honestly say, “Not my will, but Your will be done.” It was an indifference of trust and love. I knew that Christ loved me and He would not ask something of me that would bring me woe. Of course, there would still be struggles and life would not be perfect, but I knew His will would lead me to my sanctity and ultimately true happiness.
I tell this story because the Lord is waiting for us to ask Him for what we need. There is not a single person who is not in need and our Lord is so generous. His heart is a never ending font of love. He simply wants us to ask. And He is so generous that so often He gives us more than what we asked for. We ask Him for patience and He sees that we need a little bit of humility too. I asked for trust and He also gave me indifference.
What do you need from the Lord? What do you need in order to grow in relationship with Him? Go to Christ. Go to Our Mother. Ask them. Beseech them to hear your prayer and give you the graces you need. Trust in the love God has for you.